My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
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my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone