Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
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I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Mistakes were made
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.