Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
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If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big