“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
You Might Also Like
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
The USS B port
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.