Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
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I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.