I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
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WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time