You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
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How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
I’m sorry…what?
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”