her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
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I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!