I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
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Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong