Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
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Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?