What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
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People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
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wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
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EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
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Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
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My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
turning my gender off to conserve energy
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Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
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Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
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Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
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[bank]
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Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
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Me: *takes off my clothes*
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BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-