[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
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Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
I know karate and tons of other words.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.