“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
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Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.