Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
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[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
are they though??
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…