I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
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You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
The point of your 20s
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.