I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
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Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
the Monday after daylight savings
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”