my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
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me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’