Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
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me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
What flavor cupcake are these
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better