If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
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physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
This came to me in a dream.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
When your parents check you’re ok.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth