[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
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‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”