[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
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customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO鈥橲 READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
馃槀
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can鈥檛 put on a flip flop.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It鈥檚 ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL