My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
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My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.