I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
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Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.