When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
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You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Pigeon open mic night.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Real House Wines.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.