me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
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My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁