“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
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if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
inventing words: clothing
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.