put ‘er there pardner!
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Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1