Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
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I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.