my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
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(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.