What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
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It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full