PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
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Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
peak technology
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”