When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
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yeet
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Grandmother clock.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
My Guy
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜