Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
You Might Also Like
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.