I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
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Gemma Correll
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL