Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
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Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!