you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
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(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Me irl