When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
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The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
I’m being attacked 😭
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case