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person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
i now pronounce you bounced.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.