My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
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#Caturday
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.