At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
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yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.