*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
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The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
WWE is French for “yes”
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!