Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
You Might Also Like
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
…..pretty much.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*