Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
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Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time