The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
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For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
For those that worship cheese..
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”