HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
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I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.