You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
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neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.