Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
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Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!