Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
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me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Seek kebab; not attention
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Good point.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
😜
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait