“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
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When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
This a good idea
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries