MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
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I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
My flabber has been gasted.
Worst perfume name ever.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*